HIRE KAEPERNICK 2040! (A STAR SPANGLED FANTASY)
With the on-going controversy about patriotism and protest by players, owners and politicians, Critical Jack takes a satirical look at a potential scenario should the matter remain unresolved decades from now.
'So you wanted a job? Dish-washing? Garbage pickup? In one of my hotels? You look a little beat up?'
'Well, not really. I was hoping something more engaging.'
'Managing my hotel team?'
'That would be an interesting start. But I have to tell you I was hoping....'
'Hoping is what it is all about. Look what we've accomplished in the face of all the negativity. I took on eighteen. Eighteen! And they said I would never get it done. I'm a born winner. A builder. And lots of people are great. Great Americans! The staff at my golf courses – terrific people. Really terrific. Great Americans!'
'Well I can manage eleven on a good day.'
'I have a lot more than that.'
'I only need eleven.'
'I don't have any work in management that fits that number. I could refer you to some great people. They all know me. Want to work with me. Some have. Some had to go. I'm good at business and this is a great country. But what makes you think you can lead eleven men?'
'It doesn't have to be men at this point.'
'So what, an army patrol. You're a big guy. Military cop? Security team?'
'That would be interesting.'
'Since I've had to use a wheelchair I've started smoking cigars in public you know.'
'I've seen the pictures. You need a lot of help it seems.'
'Yeah, but there are great people around me. Always great, terrific! Since my days in New York.'
'I felt like that in San Francisco for a while.'
'Great town. Great people. Salt of the earth. But I couldn't help so much with that quake. A lot of people said, 'Come on down. See the destruction for yourself. You can mobilize people. You can help. It would mean a lot to us. The country.' But I never bought that California stuff. Florida. That's another matter. The country's great in places. Then the help started to complain there too. Since my executive order to get rid of all that emancipation stuff and put up 'Old Dixie' again. It says here you are a free man. You got papers for that?'
'No, but I have some photos and a video reel.'
Seems like a while ago? O.J. was the best!'
'Yes. It was but I thought taking care of a few people in this home would be a good way to go out.'
'Go out? What? You seem like you got some years ahead of you.'
'That's kind that you say that.'
'So what's with the eleven. You're not gonna do yet another remake of that Sinatra thing, are you?'
'You sort of remind me of him.'
'You gotta be like that. But maybe there's no legacy in it. I don't know. He was a king of sorts but
ask your friends. You'll hear great things about me.'
'Most have passed away. And a few still living had brain injuries from concussions.'
'And you want a job here?'
'They said you were in charge.'
'So what do you think of my wheels? '
'Gold wheelchairs are rare.'
'No. No. I like doing the Roosevelt thing! You think the eye glasses and cigarette holder are too much?'
'You got pretty grey under all that orange.'
'You mean blond, no? You got any folks left.?'
'I cut back the Afro. Hot under the helmet.'
'Oh yeah! I remember that shit! What was with the kneeling? Were you doing a sort of Catholic thing?'
'No. Too many of us dying. I think you know.'
'Yeah, yeah, the guys that died were in the trenches. World War One, Two, Vietnam, Afganistak, Iraq! Good people and you think taking a knee at a ball game is gonna change that they were good?'
'How about the streets of America?'
'America is great! You want a hat? Better you take a hat. Better than taking a knee at 'Old Glory' time.'
'But I don't want a hat.'
'Hey, if you wanna job, you gotta take a hat!'
'I'm good at business. Trust me. You wear the hat people are gonna want one.'
'Don't want a hat?'
'Well I gotta get to my golf game. Someone's gotta land this plane. You need work, come see me next week – you know, we could put you in laying some sod for the Patriots/Redskins game. Should be great – Patriots!! Let;s go Kapper! Whadda ya say, ya give this wagon a push?!'